


The Umbrella Cafe

by Clovercove



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Eudora and Diego are Exes but are chill and have an apartment, Fluff, Gen, Klaus is trying to stay sober, Luther owns the coffee shop, Not Beta Read, Number Five | The Boy-centric, We Die Like Ben, a SPACE THEMED cafe, but also all the hargreeves centric, but he's still a little shit and is in uni, coffee shop AU, five is actually a kid, i rest my case, i'm going to be honest with you all, it fluffy but there will be an underlying plot, its a valiant effort, its probably going to be, tags will be added as the story progresses, which is a little out there i know but hear me out
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:01:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25025077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clovercove/pseuds/Clovercove
Summary: “Five, what have I told you about Mr. Pennycrumb being in here?” Luther sighed from his spot at the cash register. He scrubbed at his face with his hand and sent Five a withered look. He was looking like an old man more and more every day, Five mused.“Oh come on Luther! He’s not hurting anybody. Are you boy? No you’re not, you’re too good to hurt anyone,” Klaus cooed while ruffling the dogs face in his hands. Luther grimaced.“Klaus is right. Plus, he’s a service dog. You should have some leniency towards that. Would you force a customer out if they had a seeing-eye dog? That’s cold, Luther. Ice cold,” Ben said with a smile as he sipped at his Latte. Luther wilted at that and knew he lost the argument. Again. Five smirked and continued typing at his computer.or, a coffee shop AU with no powers. They all act like actual sibling, care about each other very much, and have a fun time. until, of course, something goes awry.
Relationships: Allison Hargreeves & The Hargreeves, Allison Hargreeves/Patrick, Ben Hargreeves & The Hargreeves, Cha-Cha & Hazel (Umbrella Academy), Dave/Klaus Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves & Eudora Patch, Diego Hargreeves & The Hargreeves, Hazel/Agnes Rofa, Klaus Hargreeves & The Hargreeves, Luther Hargreeves & The Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Mr. Pennycrumb, Number Five | The Boy & The Hargreeves (Umbrella Academy), Vanya Hargreeves & The Hargreeves
Comments: 12
Kudos: 231





	1. Chapter 1

“Five, what have I told you about Mr. Pennycrumb being in here?” Luther sighed from his spot at the cash register. He scrubbed at his face with his hand and sent Five a withered look. He was looking like an old man more and more every day, Five mused. 

“Oh come on Luther! He’s not hurting anybody. Are you boy? No you’re not, you’re too good to hurt anyone,” Klaus cooed while ruffling the dogs face in his hands. Luther grimaced. 

“Klaus is right. Plus, he’s a service dog. You should have some leniency towards that. Would you force a customer out if they had a seeing-eye dog? That’s cold, Luther. Ice cold,” Ben said with a smile as he sipped at his Latte. Luther wilted at that and knew he lost the argument. Again. Five smirked and continued typing at his computer. 

It had become a routine. Five would waltz in accompanied by Mr. Pennycrumb (usually a sibling or two in tow), Luther would wait until he had no more customers to attend to, tell him the no-pets rule, and promptly lose the fight in his own store. At this point Five was certain he was only putting up a fight for formality's sake. He always had a ghost of a smile dancing on his lips when he looked away, so maybe it was a routine he enjoyed. That was a cute thought. 

As of now Luther was moping as he prepared Klaus’ second  _ Milky-Way Frappuccino  _ of the day, all while pointedly staring at Mr. Pennycrumb in an expression one would describe as pure longing. He must really want to pet him, but that wouldn’t be very hygienic. God bless him and his steadfast restraint. Klaus could only dream of such strength. 

Five sighed dramatically and closed the laptop, a triumphant smile placed upon his lips. Ben rose an eyebrow at the action.

“I’ve finish my stupid five page essay. I’ve completed it and turned it in and am now ready to die a peaceful death,” he declared and downed the last of his coffee like a shot glass. Considering it is not a shot glass, some coffee ended up on his face. Klaus snickered and Ben golf clapped.

“Such theatrics. Have you ever considered becoming a thespian?” Klaus asked with a grin.

“I’d rather eat my own foot,” came his reply.

“We don’t need a third drama queen in the family,” Ben firmly stated. Klaus gasped indignantly and held a hand over his heart. 

“If Allison is the first drama queen and not me I’m going to have a few choice words with you, mine Bruder,” Klaus wailed dramatically. A few of the regulars in the shop smiled at their antics but most looked annoyed. Luther shot them a warning glare and Klaus quieted down. 

“No, you’re just going to have to try harder,” five challenged and went to drink more coffee. Right, he was out. He scowled at the empty mug as if it had betrayed him. It may very well have in Five’s eyes.

“Don’t put any ideas into his head. I have to live with him,” Ben groaned and put his face in his hands. Five smiled at that and carded a hand through Mr. Pennycrumb’s fur. It snagged on the vest and Fives frown returned. The vest was crinkly and bright and he didn’t like it, but his family insisted on it being worn in public. 

“So if someone gives you shit about it we can berate them legally,” Klaus had said once, to which Allison scoffed at the wording but didn’t object. 

Mr. Pennycrumb looked up at him and tilted his head, tail beating against the floor softly. Five sighed and rubbed his ear. Today was a slow day. 

“Welp, as much as I would like to continue hearing you complain about who’s more dramatic, I’ve got to get Five home by seven,” Ben declared, standing up and pushing his chair back. Five took this as his cue and started packing up as well.

“Escusemua? What about me?” Klaus asked incredulously. 

“Walking would do you some good,” was all Ben said before snatching up the keys from the table and sauntering to the door. 

“You’re making me walk?” Klaus asked in a horrified voice. 

“Don’t be so dramatic. You live like a block away,” Five huffed and walked out the door. Ben waved at Luther, smiled mischievously at Klaus, and shadowed Five. Klaus scoffed and crossed his arms, looking like a child who just got stuck in time-out. Luther rolled his eyes and placed the  _ Milky-Way Frappuccino _ in front of Klaus. 

“Take it to go. Just bring back my mug tomorrow,” Luther said with a raised brow and a pointed look. 

“Okay, okay, got it. None of my siblings love me, I understand,” he said cheekily as he walked out the door with the Frappuccino in hand. The car was already gone as he walked out into the brisk January air. He had started to regret ordering a cold drink, but one sip of the sugary substance and he was a-okay with freezing to death as long as the taste lingering on his tongue. Again, he was being dramatic as it was far from freezing, but it was in his nature to dial things up to one hundred percent. 

He skipped down the street with a pep in his step, enjoying the nipping cold as it rushed past his face. A breeze flew through his hair and he felt giddy. He loved the winter season. It had originally been his most despised season, given he used to be homeless and winter was a fight for survival. Now, however, things were different. He had the option of snuggling up in his heated apartment and eating whenever he wanted. 

With this newfound freedom, he finally acknowledged the beauty of the season. There was a certain aesthetic of a cold day in the park that appealed to him. Fingertips numbing before curling around a hot cup of cocoa, watching as snowflakes fluttered down into his lap. It was too hot for that at the moment, but it would happen soon. The rush of bitter wind could attest to that. With vigor Klaus skipped over to the main entrance of his apartment building and relished in the heat it offered. There were a few teenagers and businessmen loitering in the lobby, seeking shelter from the cold, and Klaus waved happily at them. As expected, only a few teenagers returned the wave and exactly two businessmen shot him glares. Ah winter. It brings out the best in everyone. 

Klaus was more than content to curl up on his couch with a soft blanket and fluffy kitten socks and knit to his heart's content. It was a slow day, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t be a good day.

….

Ben pulled up to a quaint flat ten minutes away from the café. It was a pale yellow with wilting flowers all around it. 

“Aw damn. Mom’s not going to be happy her flowers are going to die,” Five frowned. He looked genuinely upset.

“I told her the seeds I bought her only lasted till fall. I’m sure she’s aware that the lawn’s going to be a bit barren. She still has all those indoor plants though, right?” Ben asked, swerving in his seat to look at him. Five nodded, though he didn’t look any more content. 

“Later, Ben,” Five waved, hopping out of the car and sliding the door shut with a click. Ben didn’t bother saying bye, the little brat was already out of earshot. He rolled his eyes fondly and pulled out of the driveway.

Five meandered inside and kicked off his shoes in the entrance way. The ratty tennis shoes sat neatly next to a scuffed but fancy looking pair of topsiders and elegant shiny black flats. Next to the shoes sat a towering green plant with large leaves that almost smacked Five as he entered. He would need to tell mom to cut it soon. Good thing they didn’t have very many guests. 

“Mom, Pogo, I’m home,” Five said with his voice raised just slightly. Mom never liked it when they yelled in the house. Mr. Pennycrumb was beating his tail against Fives leg as he sat obediently next to him. Five worked off the vest and collar and ruffled the dogs fur a bit before saying a stern “release,” which showed him he was done with duty for now. He happily trotted over to his doggy bowl in the kitchen and very audibly lapped up some water. The floor was definitely going to be wet when he got over there. 

Placing the vest on a coat rack in the living room, Five made his way to the couch and fell down on it, gently lowering his satchel with him. 

“Master Five, welcome back,” came a low reply from the kitchen. Pogo popped his head out from the wall blocking his view and offered him a small smile. 

“Stop calling me master, Pogo. We’ve been over this. Your contract as a butler ended the second Reginald was put in jail,” Five muttered and propped his feet up in the hand rest. Pogo frowned but said nothing else as he continued preparing dinner. 

“Well if it isn’t my little Fivey!” Came a chipper voice from the hallway leading to the rooms. Five let out a small smile and huffed, sitting up and hugging his mom. “Now how was school today sweetie? Did you make any new friends?” Mom asked as she gently sat down on the couch. She held Fives hand in her delegate ones. 

“I go to university now mom. And everyone there still hates me,” he grinned cheekily. Grace gutted but gave a resigned laugh. 

“Oh I’m sure it’s just a matter of time! You said that Hazel boy and you got along well enough. Why not try hanging out with him? Boys your age need friends,” she said resolutely, standing up and making her way into the kitchen. She was most likely going to help Pogo prepare a dish, end up burning something, and forced to sit down and watch reruns of her favorite soap opera  _ the brighter day.  _

It was bittersweet watching this routine take place. Grace used to love cooking. She would have a lovely breakfast prepared for them every morning and a bountiful dinner ready in the evening. She got lost in cooking, having her mind swept away from the horrors of Reginald and what he was doing to her wonderful children. All those bad thoughts just drifted away. But after the last day in the academy, she was never able to keep track of all the little nuances of cooking. She would forget about what she was cooking on the stove and focus all her attention on steaming the broccoli, or she would leave the fish out to defrost for days at a time, leaving it to rot on the counter. After the fourth incident Pogo stated that he would take up cooking duty and Grace could move to cleaning duty. It was another loss to the family, another casualty to Reginalds iron grip. 

“Five dear, don’t just sit on the couch all day you lazy bones. Go get changed and put your book bag away,” Grace asked pleasantly from the kitchen. Five did so, sitting up with a huff and stumbling slightly as he tripped over Mr. Pennycrumb’s doggy bed. The hallway leading to all the bedrooms was littered with family pictures. One was of all Fives siblings and him standing in front of a large building. It was his first day of uni and they all wanted to make fun of him before letting him go. Another one was of Grace and Diego. She was hugging him tightly as Diego wiped away a tear. It was the day he graduated from the police academy. The hallway continued like that, with big events framed in pictures. Allison’s big debut as a movie star. Ben and Klaus proudly holding up apartment keys and a one year sobriety coin. Luther standing outside a café newly dubbed  _ the moon's crater  _ in a space themed apron _.  _ Vanya smiling and holding a bundle of flowers after her first orchestra performance. They were all so happy. 

Five gently set his satchel down onto his desk and got changed. He swapped his button up with a soft grey T-shirt and slacks for a pair of shorts. His go-to comfy clothes. He immediately felt less tense and gratefully fell onto his bed, burying his face in his comforter. Mr. Pennycrumb trotted in, nosing the slightly ajar door open enough for him to slink in and jump onto the bed. He curled up into Fives side and Five pulled him closer. He let out a content sigh and drifted off. 

“Mom‘ll wake me up for dinner,” he muttered tiredly before fully falling asleep. 

….

“If you hesitate, you will die. If you miss, you will die. If you make a mistake, you will die,” Reginald's voice boomed across the empty training room. Diego flinched as the reprimand was directed at him. That didn’t stop the others from cowering away as well. 

“You hesitated in throwing the knife. Your hesitation caused you to miss the target. Missing the target is a mistake. What happens to you then, number two?” Reginald asked. He had his hands held tightly around his back and looked down at Diego from a staggering height. 

“I die s-sir,” Diego stuttered out. Reginald nodded and turned around, walking towards the knife laying on the ground. He picked it up and handed it back to Diego with a cold glare. 

“Don’t miss. Don’t die,” Reginald ordered and stood behind him. Diego’s hand shook and sweat made his grip on the knife slippery. He lifted it up, ready to throw it. 

“I believe in you sweetie,” Grace said quietly from where she stood twenty feet away from him. A gleaming red apple sat atop her head, and equally red lipstick adorned her smiling lips. She did not shiver. She did not twitch. She remained perfectly still. “You can hit the apple, dear. I know you can.” 

Diego wanted to cry. He wanted to hug his mom. He threw the knife. 

…. 

“Diego! Get up! We’ll be late for work if you don’t hurry,” came the sweet yelling of his roommate Eudora from the other room. Diego groaned and waved his arm around in hopes that it would bump into his phone, but in the end hit it to the floor. “I swear to god if you just broke your phone again I’m going to lose my mind.” The carcasses of his previous twelve shattered phones glare at him from the Publix bag in the corner of his room. He wanted to throw them away but Eudora wanted him to live with the fact that their mangled corpses sat only a few feet away. He has a flip phone now. 

He should open his eyes, if not for Eudora then to send a repentant glance at the fallen phones. Some lasted valiantly for a whole year. 

And open his eyes he did. The sun was glaring through his curtains, landing right on his face, and not for the first time he cursed Eudora for claiming the other room the moment she stepped into the apartment. The clock on his bedside table read 5:14am and Diego scoffed. Their shift started at 6:00am, though they did usually stop to get coffee first. In all, the drive usually took a half an hour. Diego was no stranger to Eudora’s routine of getting there ten minutes early, but that didn’t mean he liked it. 

“Eudora. We’ve got like forty minutes,” he groaned, though he was already ruffling through his closet for his uniform. 

“You practically take twenty just to get ready,” she shot back, voice muffled by the wall.

“I do not. That’s an exaggeration and you know it,” he yelled and slipped on his vest. 

“Keep telling yourself that big guy,” came her reply and the door slammed shut. Typical, she was going to wait in the car. Probably call Beaman so they can shit-talk Diego behind his back. He shook his head fondly at the thought and decided to punch Beaman in the arm whether or not that was the case. He ruffled his hair a bit in the mirror, brushed his teeth, and looked back at the clock. 5:17am. Eudora can put a sock in it, he got ready fast no matter what she said. He scooped his phone up off the ground and made his way to the door. 

The car dipped a little as Diego sat down, and Eudora tweaked the rearview mirror. She thankfully had the foresight to start the car and turn on the heat while waiting, so it was nice and toasty in their little bubble. 

“So, are we going to Luthers? We’ve got extra time so you can chat with him?” Eudora suggested as she pulled out of the parking spot. Diego hummed to show he was thinking.

He and Luther were never on the best of terms but they had been getting better the past few years. They could keep up a normal conversation without immediately bursting into an argument. And, Diego had to admit, Luther could make a mean macchiato. 

“Yeah, sure,” he finally shrugged.

“Yes! I was really craving one of his star cookies. You know the one, with the smooth yellow frosting flavored like lemon. I’ve been wanting one for days,” she exclaimed with a giddy smile. Diego chuckled at her enthusiasm.

“Then why didn’t you just get one?” He asked as he leaned his elbow against the window. 

“Because you took the car to pick up Five, then you drove to Vanya’s concert, then you offered to drive Ben's little book club to the park. You seem to be your family's very own Uber. I’ve tried to snatch the keys up before you gallivanted off on your next adventure but you always get them first. You car stealer,” she huffed with a fake frown. Diego’s eyes widened. He really has been running around a lot, hasn’t he? 

“Damn, sorry Eudora. Didn’t realize I was driving around so much,” he said genuinely. Eudora just rolled her eyes and smiled.

“It’s fine you big softy. It’s nice you care about your family so much,” she grinned. 

“I’m not a softy, Eudora.” 

“I see we’re continuing the lying trend now?” 

The car ride continued on like that until Eudora pulled into a parking spot just outside of the quaint café. They both got out and Diego could tell she had an extra pep in her step at the prospect of the cookie. The door opened with a little jingle and the warm air rushed forward, encasing Diego in its charm.

The café was small, crammed in between two bigger shops and almost dwarfed by their size. There were booths lining the walls and smaller circular tables littered around like stars, with large windows scaling the walls and letting plenty of sunshine in. There was a whiteboard above the countertop where you placed your order showing all the possible drinks you could buy. A few little doodles of the moon and stars frames the drink of the day, half off on the  _ shooting-star frappe _ . Cutting the countertop in half was a case showing off the few pastries Luther was forced into adding. He had originally wanted it to be exclusively a coffee shop, with nothing else, but Allison convinced him to add pastries to bring in more customers. 

Eudora squealed a little bit at the case of pastries, eyes narrowing in on the lemon-star cookie displayed in the left corner. She quickly dragged Diego over to the cash register as he waved hello to Luther. Luther looked a bit surprised at seeing Diego, but smiled warmly back and greeted them.

“Eudora, Diego, Hello,” He said pleasantly. “May I take your order?”

“You may. I’d like one lemon-star cookie and a white-dwarf vanilla latte please,” Eudora grinned sweetly. Luther hummed and wrote it down, typing it into the cash register. He looked over at Diego expectantly.

“Oh, uh, I’d like a cocoa cloud macchiato,” he smiled at Luther. He nodded and typed it down, announcing the price and smiling gratefully as Eudora put the change in the tip jar. 

They sat at one of the circular tables, with the top depicting an emission nebula, as the text so helpfully stated. Diego knew close to nothing about space, passing Earth-space science with a C+, but he could appreciate the beauty of it well enough. The colors seemed to morph into one another, creating a tapestry of blues and greens speckled with white shining dots. 

“Have you ever wanted to go to space?” Luther asked him, shaking him out of his thoughts. He held two steaming cups in his hands. Eudora was already munching on her cookie having excitedly snatched it up at the register.

“Not really,” Diego said dumbly. 

“It’s beautiful though, isn’t it? Imagine being out there, in that big expanse of color. No one there but you, the stars, and the space dust,” Luther breathes, looking at the table top wistfully. He set the drinks down and offered them smiles. “Be safe out on the field,” he stalked off back behind the counter. Diego nodded at Luther's retreating form. He stood up with Eudora and made their way to the car. 

“That was weird,” Eudora stared after a few seconds of silence. Diego huffed out a laugh.

“Tell me about it. If space was a person he’d bang her for sure,” Diego whistled. Eudora lightly swatted his arm with a scoff.

“Oh shut up. I think it’s romantic. Him and the stars,” she drifted off, turning on the engine and pulling out. Diego looked out the window, gaze latching onto nothing in particular. He let out a slow exhale. 

He didn’t see the Appeal of being out in space. Being surrounded by nothing but the stars, with people so far away. It sounded so lonely. It sounded so scary. But the way Luther talked about it made it sound like the best thing in the galaxy. His eyes looked so soft in those few seconds. He looked so sad. Diego shook the thought from his head and pulled out his phone. Might as well pass the time with some classic scrolling on the internet. He kept his gaze from lingering too far towards the bright sunny sky. It looked too wide. The sun looked like it stretched too far across the smear of blue. 

….

Allison was trying to wrangle Claire onto her favorite sparkly dress. Key word being try. The little demon was refusing to budge from her spot on the bed, arms crossed and a pout on her lips. 

“Claire baby please. Why don’t you want to put on your fancy glitter dress?” Allison begged. 

“I don’t wanna go! They’re boring and dumb and I want to stay home and play with my toys,” Claire yelled while kicking out her feet. 

“Hey! What did I tell you about saying that word?” Allison huffed, eyes narrowing in annoyance. Claire wilted a little and drew her shoulders up to her ears.

“It’s a bad word,” Claire trailed off. 

“Yes. We don’t say dumb in this house,” Allison reiterates for the seventh time that week. Claire giggled into her cupped hands and Allison rose a brow. “What so funny, Claire-bear?”

“Mommy said dumb! You said the bad word!” She giggled with a smile. Allison couldn’t help but smile with her.

“That’s because dumb is a grown up word,” she laughed, standing up from her crouched position. “Now, how about a compromise. You put on your dress and we go to Vanya’s concert, and we can go to any restaurant afterwards. Sound like a deal?” She drawled, sticking her hand out in a mock handshake, face completely serious. Claire pretended to think for a few seconds, finger dramatically tapping at her chin. She then nodded vigorously and they shook hands.

“Pleasure doing business with you,” Claire said in a strange voice. She might have been trying to sound like Patrick when he made a business deal, but Allison honestly couldn’t tell. 

“Much the same. Now let’s get you dressed. You can’t wear your hello kitty pajamas to the orchestra now can you?” Allison teased, and Claire jumped off the bed. 

It was a short ride to the Apollo theater. Claire insisted on listening to a song one of her favorite YouTubers sung on loop until Allison finally put her foot down and played some show tunes. They lived fairly close, so they had a few minutes to spare before the show began. Claire got comfy in her seat while Allison scrolled through her phone, successfully finding a game that would keep Claire still enough for the orchestra to begin. 

When the music picked up and the curtains rolled away, Allison had a hard time finding her sister. Vanya wasn’t the most eye catching figure. Allison was willing to bet that she actually went out of her way to blend in with the crowd. So as she scanned the violin section she strained her eyes a bit. The godsend that Claire was, she tugged Allison’s sleeve and pointed Vanya out. 

She was still third chair playing in the background as the first chair, Helen Cho, took the spotlight. She was a good violin player yet Allison couldn’t help but be biased and claim Vanya would be better in the position. Vanya would usually blush and stutter out how Helen deserves it more, but Allison wasn’t having it. 

Vanya looked completely in her element. Her hand gripped the bow and flowed like water, eyes fluttering close every few moments before being forced open to look concentrated. She knew this song by heart and no doubt yearned to get lost in it, but her instructor told her she must have her eyes opened and trained on their conductor. She looked happy, an expression she seems to be lacking more and more nowadays. Allison gripped the flowers she picked up tighter and stretched the grin across her face a little forcefully. At least Claire looked genuinely invested in the performance. She was on the edge of her seat with her feet kicking out, making her bounce slightly, and her eyes never left her auntie Vanya. 

Allison mused the idea of Claire getting into music. Maybe she could play an instrument, maybe she wanted to sing. It was all up to whatever Claire wants though, so Allison wouldn’t do anything unless Claire specifically asked for it. She had been very transparent with her daughter that she would never force her into anything she didn’t want to do. She loathed to be anything like her father. 

The orchestra played for two hours, with Claire getting more and more agitated as the minutes passed by. At her age she couldn’t grasp the complexity of the songs and how hard they are to play, simply seeing it as pretty- if not a bit boring- music. So it really was a miracle that she managed to sit through it all. 

The curtains closed, the audience clapped, and Claire looked like she had just finished watching one of Reginald's lectures. Allison laughed a little and sat her on her shoulders. 

“Make sure to look out for auntie Vanya. Wave to her when you see her,” Allison instructed, seeming to wake Claire up from her stupor as her back straightened. She scanned the crowd with eagle eyes before seemingly spotting Vanya and waving her hands around like a madman. Finally Vanya managed to squeeze out between two guys and land in Allison’s arms, laughing all the while.

“Vanya! What an entrance,” she laughed, hugging her right. Vanya laughed and returned the hug, pulling Claire from her shoulders to hug her as well. 

“Thanks,” she said a little breathlessly, “I was trying to get to you but the people here are built like brick walls.” She grinned awkwardly while maneuvering Claire in her arms. 

“You were amazing, Vanya. I got you some flowers but you seem to be a bit preoccupied,” Allison smiled, showing Vanya the flowers. Vanya looked surprised to see them and sent Claire a look, arms moving as if to put her down but aborting it halfway through. It was extremely awkward and Allison laughed.

“Relax. Come on, the car’s over here. I’ll put the flowers in the back with Claire,” she assured and walked towards the car, sleek and red and brand new. Vanya gawked at it and yelped as the doors lifted up on their own. Claire giggled and wormed her way out of Vanya’s grip, climbing into the back seat and grabbing the flowers with little grace. They were going to be ruined by the end of the night, but Vanya would still cherish them. She’ll probably put them in that little grey vase that rested on her coffee table, front and center in the middle of her little apartment. The thought warmed Allison’s heart. 

“So where are we going next?” Claire asked happily. Allison shot her a confused look.

“Home sweetie. Vanya has to go to bed,” Allison said. Claire looked like she had just shot her.

“But mom! You said we could go to a restaurant after! You promised!” Claire exclaimed, a few of the flower stems audibly snapping with her tightening grip. Allison groaned and slapped her forehead.

“Oh I’m sorry sweetie, I totally forgot. Auntie Vanya is really tired now though,” Allison tried. She gave Vanya an apologetic look but she just shook her head and smiled.

“No, I don’t mind. You promised after all, and we wouldn’t want to Disappointment Claire,” she teased. Claire smiled at that and giggled, exclaiming how yes, they absolutely shouldn’t and how Vanya was her favorite aunt.

“She’s your only aunt you goofball,” Allison laughed.

“Well then you’re my favorite uncle. You’re better than all of them because you’re an aunt. Girls are always better than boys,” Claire explained. 

“Oh? Is that a well known fact?” Vanya grinned.

“Yup. Everyone knows it. Except the boys. Because they’re dumb,” Claire elaborated and went to smell the flowers.

“I’ll let it go because it’s true, but remember that dumb is a grown up word,” Allison said sternly, making Claire shrink a little. Vanya gives her a mischievous look.

“A grown up word, huh?” She teased and Allison scoffed, hitting her lightly on the arm.

“Oh shush. Now Claire, since you were so patient today you get to choose where we go. What are you in the mood for?” Allison asked looking at her daughter from the rear view mirror. Claire had a concentrated expression on her face, looking oddly like Five does when working out a complex problem. Meaning it was both adorable and funny looking. Vanya must have thought so too because she was fighting back a laugh as Claire thought deeper and deeper.

“Aha! I want McDonalds!” Claire declared with a start. Vanya finally lost the battle and burst out laughing. 

“All that thinking just to go with McDonalds? You don’t want anything else?” Vanya wheezed, grinning cheek to cheek. Claire took this as vindication and nodded her head.

“Yes! I want chicken nuggets!” 

“McDonalds it is,” Allison chuckled, pulling out of the parking lot. 


	2. robbers and war crimes, both of which are pretty stupid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Diego and Five are caught up in the dumbest bank robbery imaginable and Vanya and Klaus act like actual siblings. More at ten.

“Five, you really can’t be here right now,” Diego grunted as a bullet hit the concrete wall he crouched behind. Dust rained down onto his clothes like tainted snow, making him cough. Five huffed out a bitter laugh. 

“I was caught in the middle of it anyways, so I might as well help,” he grunted, quickly looking over the barrier for a moment before ducking back down. Diego made his feelings clear with a sharp glare, but there was nothing either of them could do at this point. He let out an aggravated huff and ran towards a pillar a few paces to his left. He managed to miss being shot by the hair on his neck and he slid down to a crouch behind it. 

He sucked in a long breath before shouting out to the assailants “Drop your weapons! We don’t need a confrontation, just come peacefully and your charges won't be severe,” he tried. 

A scoff was heard, then “Yeah right, we already shot at ya’ so we’re done for if we come with you. Locked up in the slammer for the rest of my life isn’t what I want to do, surprisingly,” a gruff voice laughed. Diego noticed with growing irritation that Five’s laugh joined him. 

“At least we can take down some cops before we go down, ey?” another voice, female and raspy asked to her partner. Diego guessed that he nodded, because another round of bullets was fired haphazardly at his direction. 

“I’m not a cop,” Five grunted indignantly from where he was still crouched behind the wall. It was more of a desk, really, though it was grey with cement and a shiny white granite top. They were in a bank, a classic shootout location, and he was stopping a robbery, a classic villain crime. It was all pretty ironic, and Five would no doubt comment on the irony of it when they're both out safe and sound. With how Five was twitching though, Diego wasn’t so sure that would happen. 

“I’m not armed, nor am I a cop. I’m gonna raise my hands and stand up so don't shoot me,” Five said. It was more of a demand than a plea, and his tone made it seem like he had the power in this position instead of the assailants. 

“Fuck no, you’re not pullin’ a fast one on us buddy boy,” the female shouted, and Diego gritted his teeth. He sharply motioned downward with his gun, trying to tell Five to sit his ass back down and stay put, but Five was never one to listen to authorities. He put his hands up slowly, and a shot was fired. He pulled down his hands fast and scowled. The bullet was firmly implanted in the wall. 

“I said don’t shoot, assholes. You think an adult would trust me with a gun?” he gritted out, and tried to put his hands up again. Diego wanted to shoot him himself, but settled for glaring at him with as much fury as he could muster. Five rolled his eyes. Diego remembered why he always carried around headache medicine when hanging out with him. 

Thankfully, there wasn’t another shot. Five slowly stood up with his back to the robbers and shot Diego a Look. Diego’s mind was too preoccupied to decipher it, but then Five shot him a look that he knew by heart meant that he was being an idiot. 

“A dumbass who couldn’t tell his left from his right because his brain was the size of a walnut,” was how Five would actually put it, but idiot was a nice enough summary. 

Five turned and walked around the wall desk, hands still held up and body relaxed. He looked like he was going for an afternoon stroll if anything. Diego took a chance and peeked around the pillar, where the robbers thankfully had their attention pinned solely on the form of his little brother. The woman was glaring at Five with her gun still trained on his chest, but the man held his gun in a loose grip. He looked like he had been slapped across the face. 

“Vidalya, he's a child,” the man murmured to his companion and instantly Diego knew he was a family man. He was strong and husky but he had prominent laugh lines and his eyes looked pleadingly towards the newly titled Vidalya. The woman sighed and lowered her gun, but still held it in a tight grip. Vidalya obviously didn’t care if he was a child, so she couldn’t be the man's wife. Noted. 

“Yeah, I’m just a kid. No weapons, you can check,” Five reassured in a voice one would use with a child. Like he was explaining how gravity works in the simplest of terms to a preschooler. Vidalya didn’t like that, it seems, and she tightened her grip on the gun. 

She looked at her partner with a scathing glare then looked back at Five. “What do you want then? What’d ya risk your life for? To back-talk me?” she spat. The man moved to stand in front of Five but aborted the gesture quickly. 

“No no, I’m not stupid. I just wanted to get a good look at you. Feeling helpless isn’t what I like to do on Saturdays,” Five answered truthfully. The woman looked confused and the man grinned a little bit. 

“It’s Tuesday, son,” the man helpfully supplied. Five looked genuinely baffled. Uni really took away any perception of time. Diego cringed slightly at that, then realized that Fives hands were now held at his side. He was twitching them, and Diego was pretty certain Five didn’t have a nervous habit of tapping his hands. That was more of a Vanya thing. 

_ Morse code _ he realized with a start. 

A series of taps, some spaced out longer than others to simulate dashes. He slowly spelled out the word s-t-r-a-c-t-i-o-n, and Diego guessed he must have missed the first D and I, spelling out distraction. Five was creating a distraction for Diego to do something, which Diego was thankful for but would have rather it been a safer distraction than waltzing into the dragon's lair. He’ll take what he could get though. Backup would be arriving shortly, he just needed to get the civilians behind the duo to safety, and with their attention all on Five he had ample time to do it. He slinked across the floor, staying low and ducking behind more pillars as they lined the walls. There were three civilians, all grown up and shaking slightly. One was obviously a couple, huddled close together, and another was an elderly man with his cane discarded on the other side of the room. The man had a hood covering his face as he held the shaking girl, and the old man desperately searched around for his glasses that were shattered around him. He got as close as he could without alerting the robbers, and gestured to the couple to make their way over to him. There was a fire escape a few feet behind Diego, and he instructed the couple to escape through it as they scuttled over to him. The older man would be more of a challenge though. 

All through the exchange, Five was chatting with the two criminals. Vidalya looked ready to shoot him there and then, but the man just looked amused. Diego got his attention with a little wave and Five looked at him through his peripheral vision. He didn't want to endanger his brother even more, but Five got himself this deep into the fray so he might as well use him. He nodded his head over to the old man, then to a spot where their backs would be turned completely away from the man instead of their sides. Five took the hint and shimmied a little bit to the right.

“What are you playin’ at? Why’d ya move?” Vidalya demanded, her gun now trained back on Five. the man flinched a little at that. 

“I just want a better look at big guys pin. That a boy scouts badge?” he gestured towards the pin and shuffled more to the right. Their backs were fully turned to them now, and Diego silently snuck over to the man and let him lean his weight on him. The trip was slower than he wanted, but they eventually made it to the fire exit. The man that was previously held hostage with his girlfriend quickly hurried over and took the old man by the arm. 

“Dad thank god!” ah, so they're one big group. Funny how the couple didn’t even think to look back at the man as they were escaping. Diego shook that out of his thoughts and crept back into the bank. Five was still there, talking diligently with the man about how the American Culture Bange was more important than the American Heritage badge. What infuriated Diego the most was that he seemed genuinely invested in the debate. Vidalya looked like she was going to be sick. 

“Look son, American Heritage and Culture are basically the same thing, yeah?” the man tried. Five looked at him with critical eyes before sighing. 

“ _ No,  _ no it is not. You see, culture is the body of knowledge that members of a society acquire by virtue of living in a specific region or place, while heritage is more about the legacy that they inherit from previous generations. It's like comparing a grape to a cherry,” Five sounded genuinely upset and Diego decided that he’d join Vidalya in breaking down crying if the occasion arose. “So the Culture badge is clearly more important. You get the full extent of a specific civilization’s country and history instead of just a legacy. A legacy is just one story,” Five further indulged. For the man's credit, he looked to actually be mulling the words over. Then he just shook his head. 

“M’ awfully sorry son, but I don’t get it. My little girl probably would though,” he smiled warmly. Five scoffed and rolled his eyes, looking like a token petulant teenager. Diego finally decided it was time to step in, so he aimed his gun at the back of Vidalya’s head and made his presence known. 

“That's enough of that,” Diego stated. The two whipped around like a bullet, eyes widening at the sight of the gun. The man made to lift up his gun but Five swiped his feet from under him and he came crashing down to the floor. Five quickly grabbed the gun and trained it on the man. The poor guy looked betrayed. 

Finally,  _ finally  _ the reinforcements got there. They swarmed the two robbers, quickly handcuffing and escorting them out of the building. Eudora hurried over to Diego and scanned him over for injuries before nodding. 

“You okay there pretty boy?” She asked, hands on her hips. Diego scoffed at the nickname but nodded. “And you?” she asked Five who shot her an unimpressed stare. She shook her head in fond amusement. 

“And how is it that you manage to be in the center of all these crimes? If I knew any better I’d say you’re orchestrating the whole thing. Diego you need to keep your brother in check,” Eudora said with a laugh. 

Diego gave her an ever withered look. “You don’t think I try? Eudora, he's like a cat. He does what he wants and no one in my family can stop him,” Diego sighed into his hands. Eudora just laughed some more and patted his back. Diego retold the whole ordeal to her while she scribbled it down on a leather bound notebook, classic detective style. Five rolled his eyes and sauntered out the door. The rest of the police who were loitering around looked thoroughly unsurprised he was there. He gripped the straps of his bag tighter in irritation and walked faster down the sidewalk. Diego would catch up to him in a police cruiser anyways, he just didn’t want any more scathing looks directed at him. He knew Eudora was just joking about orchestrating all of these crimes, but the other police officers were still on the fence about him. Five gritted his teeth in annoyance and hurried his pace. 

A block away from the bank he walked past an alleyway when a flash of metal caught his attention. At least, he thought it was metal. Something shiny was hit by light and Five was assaulted with the reflection, turning his gaze from his feet to the alleyway. It was fairly dark, with a dumpster and trash bags piling up in the corner. Another lump caught his gaze, more curvy than the trash bags around it, though it was shrouded in the same blackening shadow. 

Of course, before he could go on a truly riveting Sherlock Holmes escapade, Diego pulled up in his police cruiser, Eudora sat snugly in the front seat. 

“You know how this goes. Get in the back.” Yikes, Diego did not sound happy. Five did as he was told and locked eyes with Diego as he shut the door. They exchanged mutual glares with neither of them backing down before Eudora let out an annoyed sigh. 

“Grow up you two,” she said and Diego ripped his glare from five to Eudora before ultimately landing on the rode as he started driving again. The car was filled with a tense silence, though Eudora looked wholly unaffected as she scrolled through her phone. Diego would go a mile or two over the speed limit and she would glare at him and he would slow down and shoot a look at Five from the rearview mirror. They did this a few times before Diego sighed and Five geared himself up for the lecture. 

“Five-”

“Yeah yeah, I know. It was dangerous and I could have gotten hurt and I should have left it to the professionals, I get it.” Five cut him off.

“While I agree with that wholeheartedly, it’s not what he was going to say,” Eudora spoke up, and Five looked at her with confusion. 

“What I was  _ going  _ to say, was- well, why… how come you- why is it…” he sounded frustrated, brows furrowed. It was like he was trying to grip water in the ocean, words tumbling around and falling through his fingertips. “Five, what is going  _ on  _ with you man?” he sounded genuinely confused and upset. Five had to do a double take, letting the words roll around in his head for a moment.

“Wh- hold up Diego. You think I actually have something to do with this? All these crimes?” Five asked incredulously. Diego's silence is answer enough. “What the  _ hell man? _ You’re seriously accusing me of being a part of some big mafia or conspiracy? Are you kidding me right now?” Diego opened his mouth to answer but Five was on a roll. “No, no- I get it! Your hero complex has gotten so large that since you can’t find the actual perps of these stupid strings of attacks that you’re flailing around for someone to blame it on!  __ And who better than a thirteen year old kid who just so happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time!”

“Why were you even at the bank, Five?” Diego shouted back. He had parked the car haphazardly and was looking back at Five with an angry frown. 

“Oh, I can’t even go places anymore? What do you think, Diego? Use that pea sized brain of yours and think for one god damned second. I was getting money!”

“For what?”

“None of your business.”

“It is, Five, it really is. Because as far as I can tell, you’ve been to the bakery, the market, the mall, and the thrift store. And every place that you’ve been too had been either robbed or shot at! And now the bank! You can’t deny that all the evidence seems to point to you having some connection to it,” Diego yelled at him. 

“Listen, I have no idea why these things keep happening around me. I have no ties with any of these pin headed morons, and I don't care to ever affiliate myself with them. You think I'm dumb enough to be a part of a crime ring? I have a scholarship I’m not too keen on losing, whether that be from crime purposes or being late to class. Speaking of which, I’m late for my theoretical physics class. My lunch break ended while we were having this frankly dim witted conversation. So if you would be a dear and drive me back to class it would be appreciated,” Five snarked, and Diego looked ready to tackle him from where he sat. Eudora, who had been avidly avoiding eye contact and awkwardly scrolling through her phone the entire argument gave Diego a hard stare and he grunted, pulling out of the parking space and turning the car back to Fives university. It was an awkward drive where Five resolutely refused to acknowledge Diego's gaze from the rearview mirror. Eudora looked both absolutely done with the two and absolutely mortified at being caught in the middle of the situation. Diego looked both guilty and pissed off, which were both expressions he often held so it didn’t look too off on his face. 

When he finally pulled up to the Universities main building Five slipped out of the car, shot Diego the middle finger, and walked through the doors in a surprisingly small amount of time. Diego sat there for a minute, muttering things under his breath, before Eudora let out a long whistle. 

“Wow. that could not have gone worse. I’m sorry,” she tries to comfort, and Diego shakes his head. 

“Don’t, Eudora. Just don’t,” He says to the steering wheel. Eudora puts her hands up in mock surrender and goes back to scrolling on her phone. He pushes the gas pedal a little harder than necessary, gets a glare from Eudora, and slows down. He has to be down at the precinct soon anyways. 

….

“Oh Vanya, my wonderful amazing sister whom I love with all my heart,” Klaus gushes as he flings open her door. The girl in question spits out her coffee, most thankfully falling back into the cup with a few drops hitting the floor. Her carpet was starting to look like the brown dots were a design choice instead of an accident. She looks miserably at Klaus and raises a brow. 

“Oh god, what do you want?” 

Klaus lets out an anguished gasp. “Can’t I just declare how much I love my sister? Is that too much for this sad, broken family?” he cries, falling down on her couch. Vanya nods and after a moment he nods back. “I just need a place to crash. Ben so ruthlessly kicked me out of the apartment because he was having friends over and didnt want them to see his, and I quote, ‘weird ass junkie brother’ the first time they come over.” Vanya gasps. “I know! How could he do this to me? After all I did for him.”

“No no, I understand his reasoning. But he has friends?” Vanya says, hope in her eyes. Klaus glares at her with no heat in his eyes, but she still shrinks a little. He stops and instead sticks out his tongue. 

“Yeah it’s crazy, I know. I said that too, before he shoved me out of house and home onto the cold cold streets,” Klaus says dramatically, and Vanya laughs a little. 

“Good for him honestly. I’m happy for him. Yeah, sure, you can crash here. It’s not the best place and you’ll have to sleep on the couch,” she says and Klaus pumps his fist in the air with a little “yes!” in triumph. Vanya rolls her eyes in amusement and sips her coffee, looking back at her laptop as she sorts through this week's students. Klaus mulls about the house doing various things, browsing the T.V, looking in the general direction of her bookshelf before deciding that's a hard pass, shuffling through her closet (and coming out in outfits that make Vanya absolutely lose it), before deciding to put on a record. She had a few vinyl's tucked away near her record player that she loved, though barely had the time to play. Hearing the soft sounds of her favorite music effectively dulled the ever present headache and her shoulders untensed. She sighed slightly, shoving her laptop away as she put her head in her crossed arms, just basking in it. Leave it up to Klaus to know when she needs to unwind. She could take a break for today. She didn’t have any classes till Friday and it was only Wednesday, surely she could stop schedule planning for a little while. Becoming a violin teacher was a lot more work than she anticipated, with kids going at different paces and on different levels, but damn did she love it. 

She sat up and cracked her back, hearing a hiss of sympathy from the other room. 

“You want anything for dinner? We can get takeout, I don’t feel like cooking today,” she asked, shutting the laptop and smiling at all the stickers on the back. Some students gave them to her, some of her siblings slapped them on without her permission. She loved them all. Even the little cat that was holding up two middle fingers. She didn’t know who snuck that on it, but she had a sneaking suspicion it was either Klaus or Ben. Ben could be mischievous if he wanted too, though his stickers were mainly cute animals with hearts all around them. 

“Aw fuck yeah, sis. Have I ever told you how much I love and appreciate you?” he rhetorically asked and Vanya snorted. 

“No, I don’t think so,” she joked and Klaus let out an outrageous gasp. 

“Now that's just criminal.”

“It really is. Bordering on a war crime.”

“I wouldn’t say that. You know what is a war crime?”

“Getting kicked out of your apartment?” She asks with a smile, flipping through different fast food pamphlets. Klaus hums and stops when she flips to a chinese takeout place. 

“That and the fact we don't get family discounts at Luther's café,” He laments and his eyes scroll down the menu. He points out the orange chicken and she nods with a frown.

“Really? I get discounts,” She says and she types in the phone number. Her phone had a cute little charm that had seen better days dangling off of it. 

“What? Am I the only one who doesn’t get a discount? Why does this family hate me so much?” He huffs. He was genuinely hurt though he opted not to show it. Vanya held up her finger to silence him as the receiver picked up and she ordered for them. 

**Author's Note:**

> Please tell me if there are any mistakes, I don't have a beta reader. hope you enjoyed!


End file.
